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I am currently reading the "Recovery" section of the book. There are a variety of writing exercises to do to help you figure out just "who" you are and who you want to be. The one I think will be the most useful for me, and the one to which I am actually looking forward, is the one where you answer the question, "If I *were* good enough, who would I be?". This is a very thought provoking question for someone who has suffered narcissistic injury for most of their lives. Daughters of narcissists are usually either over-achievers or self-saboteurs. Surprisingly, an over-achiever would have just as much to think about in answering this question as a self-saboteur because they might have to wonder how their own children (or their gardens or marriages) would have turned out if they had slowed down and smelled the roses, rather than constantly being on the go. Because the daughters of narcissists tend to be valued by their Mothers for what they *do*, rather than for who they *are*, the only thing that counts is achievement. To keep from receiving criticism, insults, or blame, intended to provoke shame, they must constantly be* producing* and they don't stop long enough to enjoy their achievements. Daughters of narcissistic Mothers know all about shame. It is the feeling we are most in touch with as it has been used against us since the beginning of our memories. This is true of most victims of narcissists, whether the narcissist in their lives is a spouse, a boss, or anyone else with any measure of authority.The next section of the book is on dealing with your narcissistic mother after your recovery. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I have been reading the book, skimming through it really, and hoping that this blog will attract those people that the eventual discussion of this book chaper by chapter can help the most. I certainly wish that I had discovered at the age of 15 or 20, what I didn't learn until I was in my 40's. I would have been a better parent, I would have chosen better partners, and I certainly would have had a much happier life.
I mentioned that I was resisting just reading the book through. Yesterday I managed to read for about an hour and to tell you the truth, that is about all I could manage at one time. I am about half way through the book and reading it brings up so many memories and feelings I find it hard to read it. It is very disturbing to re-visit my childhood and teenage memories and compare myself to others who were raised in a similar way as myself, by a narcissistic Mother. The common thread is indifference and cruelty by the mothers and the many coping mechanisms invented by the daughters.
I read as a child. I read a lot. I think I went through almost every book the school and public libraries had. I would read a book a day as a child. This made me invisible and "agreeable", much less of a target. Once I finish going through the book this first time, skimming, and having my mind wandering with visions of past experiences the book evokes, I will go back through it chapter by chapter to explore it further and share those chapters with you, as well as the feelings that are coming up as I read. The uncomfortable feelings are why I actually quit belonging to the yahoogroups for people who were in relationships with narcissists, whether it was a parent, partner, workmate, or a boss. While the groups are very helpful for a while, at some point it is time to heal and to try NOT to think about the past abuse, especially when no longer dealing with a narcissist on a daily basis. My Mother is still alive and living in a nursing home only a few miles away from m, but I limit my contact with her to about once a week for phone and even less than that for visiting. I have developed some strategies for dealing with her and I only do deal with her at all because of what it "looks" like to others in a small town, where I have lived for over 23 years. I had to resign myself to the fact that she would never change, never understand how her actions affect me and others around her, and that she would never be able to express approval or real love towards me. That realization was like dealing with a death, so while she is still physcially alive, our relationship is dead. I don't feel that I will be completely free of the affects of her emotional abuse on my life until she is actually dead, so it is a waiting game, where her death will actually be a relief, not a sadness. You would have to be the daughter of a narcsisst to understand this, but I bet anyone who is, understands perfectly.
I am very tempted to just read the whole book and get nothing else done, but I am being good and just reading in the tub for about 30 minutes per day. As survivors of narcissistic mothers, we are masters of procrastination. Self-defeating behavior allows us to "never be good enough", fulfilling the prophecy driven into us from the time we could understand words. Whether it is in our relationships, education, careers or hobbies, there is always a niggling telling us that there is no point in really trying because we will always fall short.
I have also started a yahoo group for anyone interested in private discussion, rather than leaving a comment on this blog. Will_I_Ever_Be_Good-Enough? It is only just set up, so there are no messages there yet, but I hope that as others find out about the book, they will search the internet and come across the sites, both this blog and the yahoo group, and support can be offered to others who have grown up in the same emotionally abusive situation.
One of the saddest parts of growing up with a narcissistic mother is that I realize that I probably treated my children in the same way before it came to light how warped my own upbringing was. That was my example. It is the natural and obvious way for us to act if we know no other way.
You may wonder at the beautiful pictures accompanying this blog. There is hope and beauty just waiting for those who realize that they have been raised by an emotional terrorist and that life can be beautiful.
Really,,,, sitting here and writing, I'm not procrastinating at all! :)
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" Any daughter of a narcissistic Mother is used to asking themselves this question, probably on a daily basis. That feeling that we just never measure up, that there is something missing inside us, yet knowing, somehow, that it is not *us*, it is *her* who is not quite right.
I had joined several on-line support groups and found out about the release of this book back in April or May of 2008, and I had been anxiously awaiting it's release on September 18. I just received it yesterday and decided to create this blog to invite discussion, share stories and experiences, and to hopefully inform others that don't yet understand this phenomenon of Mothers who just don't have any maternal instinct and mess up their daughters lives.
Being the daughter of a narcissist, I have spent most of my life dealing with suppressed anger, confusion, bad relationships with men, and drug, tobacco and alcohol abuse. It is an ongoing struggle to try to look at the world like other people do. To be able to see and appreciate the good things in my life and the stable, loving people I now have around me. I am very fortunate to have been able to realize that it wasn't me, and to raise my children in the opposite way to the way I was raised. It still does affect my life though, and I find I need to constantly remind myself of my own value, my own skills and my own worth as a human being, regardless of my faults. I feel like every one of them is a major issue, making me unlovable if I don't constantly produce, be self-sufficient and not cause other people bother or concern.
I will try to keep this blog updated with information and a review of the newly released "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" as well as other books I have found helpful. You will find a link to purchase these books if you wish, at the top left hand side of this page or you can click here: http://astore.amazon.ca/natubengpixib-20 There is a link back to this page. I will try to provide reviews of the other books available and will add more books I have found helpful as I go through my library. I will also provide links to support groups and emails lists I have been a member of, that I found helpful.
Please feel free to provide your own observations or reviews of this or any other books and if you have suggestions for supplemental and helpful reading, please post a comment.
I am currently reading the "Recovery" section of the book. There are a variety of writing exercises to do to help you figure out just "who" you are and who you want to be. The one I think will be the most useful for me, and the one to which I am actually looking forward, is the one where you answer the question, "If I *were* good enough, who would I be?". This is a very thought provoking question for someone who has suffered narcissistic injury for most of their lives. Daughters of narcissists are usually either over-achievers or self-saboteurs. Surprisingly, an over-achiever would have just as much to think about in answering this question as a self-saboteur because they might have to wonder how their own children (or their gardens or marriages) would have turned out if they had slowed down and smelled the roses, rather than constantly being on the go. Because the daughters of narcissists tend to be valued by their Mothers for what they *do*, rather than for who they *are*, the only thing that counts is achievement. To keep from receiving criticism, insults, or blame, intended to provoke shame, they must constantly be* producing* and they don't stop long enough to enjoy their achievements. 
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